Hello, and Merry Christmas my little monsters! Wait, what the fuck? Sorry about that, I was possessed by Lady Gaga for a minute. Anyway Happy Kwanzaa, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Days Off to all the Athiests.

Anyway, off to our weekly discussions.
I was talking to a friend yesterday who was sad that we didn’t have a white X-mas. Now, how many of you wanted a white X-mas, and another question, were any of you in Chicago last year? I’ll wait… If you’re one of these strange people who wanted snow, you must be off of your rocker, last year we had record snow falls which means that if we didn’t have snow for the next three winters, I’d be happy.

The band has been taking a much needed rest from practicing, and we’ve been spending time with our families(the Olympians), so that we can start off next year with a bang bringing you, the fan, much needed music therapy.
I am eating ribs right now for no other reason than to irritate you by telling you that I am eating ribs. I’ll bet you want some now don’t you? Well that’s too bad, because you can’t have any. Oh my god, there’s barbecue sowce dripping from them. And I’m drinking a beer, a damn good beer, which you also can’t have, and afterwards, I’m going to eat a brownie and some ice cream. I’ll bet that you want to go to the store now don’t you, don’t you? Well that’s too bad, because I haven’t dismissed you yet. So just keep sitting there, reading the screen. Maybe I should talk to you about something that I care absolutely nothing about, like give you the description to a Lifetime movie. Here’s my description of any and all Lifetime movies.

Woman meets a guy, they fall in love, guy cheats/beat/dies on her, she survives… that’s it! Uh oh Lifetime, I just gave up the plot to every movie that you’ve ever made! Does that make you angry Lifetime? Oh well.

Anyway, I got a little carried away there. And for that I’m sorry. Make sure that if you haven’t bought the Riot Inside CD 404, or our self-titled album, then buy it!!! I’m gonna go back to my ribs which you can’t have.

Dismissed,
Lewis F. Jones

It’s a rainy day in Chicago, which is fucking scary, because it’s December. If another person tells me there’s no such thing as global warming; I shall sticketh mine umbrella up his arse and open it. Speaking of opening umbrellas in peoples asses; I saw “Singing in the Rain” yesterday. Of course there’s no arse opening of umbrellas, but one could only hope. I also watched some Clint Eastwood cowboy films, as they are the shit.

Has any one of you ever seen “A Fistful of Dollars”? Fuck, that’s a good movie! Anyway Clint plays a character known as “the man with no name”. Pretty mysterious huh? It’s very interesting. He was based on a character from the book Yojimbo (you can tell that I read a lot of Wikipedia). Basically, the guy doesn’t speak much, and is highly proficient with a specific weapon. A true badass.

Another film I watched was Battlefield Earth (yes I had nothing to do, I fucked my back up, which you would’ve know if you read my posts), it was horrible. Haha!!! It was so bad that I won’t even talk to you all about it.

Finally, I watched the newer version of True Grit. The John Wayne version had been coming on TCM for awhile now, but I really don’t like the John Wayne cowboy. Many purists will laugh at me, but I don’t care.

Haley Steinfeld was great for her portrayal of a very independent little girl. Jeff Bridges, and Matt Damon were awesome in it too. Watch it, especially since it’s a rainy day.

Adios,
Lewis F. Jones

Well boys and girls, Lew doesn’t drink beer, nor does he really drink much alcohol(seriously I don’t, I’m just crazy as hell), but I decided to stroll through the section. To my delight I found different types of beer that were strange to me like, I had no idea that they made beer out of Jalapeno’s and stuff, the it happened.

All of the other shelves were filled until I reached the end. There in all of it’s glorious wonder was Newton’s Folly Apple Cider Beer. I gazed around and noted that it was a rarity amongst the other beers, shelves almost completely devoid except one sparkling pack. I made a rash decision and took home a six pack, placed them in the fridge and waited.

As a god, I can’t stand waiting, so I decided to sling lightning bolts at the plains dwellers of the serengeti to waste some time. Thoroughly entertained, I had almost forgotten that I was waiting on the beer to chill. I drank two, and ended up in the hospital chained to the bed.

Apparently in my drunken state I had caused the divorce of Ashton and Demi, and Kim Kardashian and that basketball player she married. Sorry about that.

Thought I’d share.

Lew

Woe be the day that Lew Jones hath wrought (I hope I spelled that right). Anyway, Lew Jones has been laid up(no not laid, as in sex, you nasty thought having people, but honestly from Riot Inside fans, I’d expect nothing less) for the past few days.

I was holding up the sky, because the stories about Atlas were true. In case you didn’t know Atlas was a titan, which is a part of greek mythology that I won’t go into right now. It’s just far too complicated. Anyway his curse was to hold up the sky for all eternity when it was scarred during the battle between the Titans and Gods. Pretty cool stuff. Well anyway, Atlas is a brat, and needed a vacation so I held it up for him, and now my back is injured. I took a few days off from ruling the world in order to catch up on reading.

I read the Stephen King novel “The Mist”. It’s not really a scary book as much as it is a shocker. People get trapped in a store when a mist envelopes their town. They can leave the store whenever they want, but things live out in the mist killing people. It’s pretty interesting. I saw the movie a few months back and decided to order the book, amongst some of his other novels on Amazon. I got Dreamcatcher which is a messed (fucked) up movie about aliens jumping into and out of peoples assholes, and a couple of other things.

By the way, have any of you ordered our album off of Amazon, or iTunes, or CD Baby? Well why the hell not? Stop reading this blog and go out and get it! There are links on this page. Shame on you, shame!… I’m sorry, I get a bit carried away sometimes, but know that I only punish you because I love you.

I’m on a Horse,
Lewis F. Jones

My manager Steve (El Diablo) who is an excellent chef by the way, prepared the feast. I shall describe it in detail.

First course was a street-urchin that had been fed bacon all his life. Bacon is one of Lew Jones favorite foods… who the fuck am I kidding, bacon is my favorite food. Anyway, the urchin of course was served fresh, meaning that he screamed the entire time, and Steve, on multiple occasions, was forced to beat him senseless with a boat oar. Did I mention that the meal was served on an ark in the middle of Lake Michigan.

About two weeks earlier, I commanded Steve to build me an ark, the ark was filled with four of every animal on the endangered species list, and an a few thousand numbers of animals that were close to being on the list, the street-urchin was a pre-meal meal, something to please my stomach, so that my wrath is not incurred.

The second course was an African Wild Ass…snicker…snicker. Anyway, it’s a type of horse that is going extinct, I ate four of them, they had to be cooked, and clean, because no one likes a dirty ass…snicker…snicker.

Third course was a combo platter Black Rhinoceros, Barbary Lion, African Elephant, and Triceratops. The last one seems ridiculous, I know, but Steve got one.

There was a palate cleanser of lemon sorbet, the only normal thing on the menu, but I ate no less than forty-three gallons of it served out of the hollowed-out skull of over one-hundred seventy-eight Mountain Gorillas.

Third and fourth course were ruined when I accidentally ate Steve. It took about eight hours of feasting on barley, and oats to get him back.

Then came the final course, which Steve fucked up, it was supposed to be California Condor, T-Rex, and Goliath Frog. Well, he got the Condor right, but instead of a T-Rex, which I was really hoping for, he got me a Komodo Dragon, and instead of a Goliath Frog he got me a Colorado River Toad. Let’s just say that the other reason I didn’t write was because the poison from the forty Komodo’s and the hallucinogenic properties of the Colorado River Toad had me waking up yesterday completely naked in the middle of a citadel on top of a mountain somewhere in Tibet. Regardless, I am back, rejoice, for Lew Jones hath spoken.

Lew

How ugly am I? You may ask.

I am so ugly, that for Halloween I trick or treat over the phone.

I am so ugly, that my pillow cries at night.

Sorry, but I had to tell someone just how ugly I really am.

Your Ugly-Faced Bassist,

Josh

Hello my faithful readers. Tomorrow is “Oh Shit!!!” Day (to turkeys and P.E.T.A.), and Thanksgiving (to the rest of us). Let us all have great meals as the lives of the turkey, which I hath created for you, lay dead and stuffed through their assholes with bread, onions, celery, or White Castle Sliders, which is a rather new thing that my bass-player Josh hath told me about. Basically, it goes like this.

You take a turkey, and season the outside however you like. I prefer to take gobs of butter and rub it, and some spices that I prefer from New Orleans, under the skin of the turkey breast. Then you take White Castle Sliders, and shove them into the anal cavity of the still-live bird (I might have that part wrong, because maybe it’s supposed to be dead, but for the sake of argument, just go with it). Now, it’s torture for the animal, but the panic makes it taste good.

Mmmm, there’s something about that taste of panic.

Then open the pre-heated oven, the turkey will find itself mesmerized by the fire, and jump in (contrary to popular belief, turkeys like ovens, and fire, and onions, celery, and bread crumbs…in their asses). Make sure to close the door immediately, and when the turkey is done, bam, you’ve got the tastiest bird ever, and the slider stuffing is supposedly better than ambrosia and nectar.

Just Another Friendly Recipe From Your God of all things Rock,
Lewis F. Jones

I’m back, and you don’t even have to thank me. Youre most stupendous host is back on the Riot Site. Now, I know what you’ve been thinking.

“Why doesn’t Lew, the almighty talk to us?” or “Why hath we kept his divine presence from manifesting in fronteth our computer screen?”

Well, it’s simple. I have discovered something called “chatroulette.com”, and I must tell you, that for those of you who believe in it, the end of days is nigh, because this shit is ridiculous.

Never, and I mean never have I seen so many different men whacking it on my computer screen, and trust me. college for me was wild, but never like this.

Anyway, that’s not all, I have been writing a book. It’s a kids book about a young boy that wants to become the worlds greatest supervillain. I’ll probably tell you more later. Hmmm…what else….ah yes THE RIOT INSIDE ALBUM IS OUT IN STORES NOW BUY IT OR I WILL PERSONALLY MELT YOUR FACE, AND TO LET YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS I AM, I DIDN”T EVEN USE CAPS LOCK, I JUST MASHED THE KEYS DOWN REALLY FUCKING HARD!!!!!!!

Peace,
LEW

With the midnight release of the new cd, 404, just hours away (and already available in the South Pacific and other parts of the world on the other side of the International Date Line), I just wanted to make sure that everyone is aware that they can “test the goods before you buy” in the form of our new media player located at the top of the web page. Just look at the top of the page, and click on the play button, and you are ready to rock out to 404.. Also, please keep in mind that “Ignition” is only 26 seconds long, and is the intro to “Too Fast”, so just give it a second to sink in, and  ENJOY! After you get a taste,  please head over to www.cdbaby.com or iTunes to buy our new CD!

Riot On….

Castro